


Adventures in Chat Speak

by HelpIveMcFallen (PunsandPoses)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: America/England fight a lot, Crack, England being England, God do I regret, Language, May I Hand You A Cup of Overused Trope, Multi, With a Side of Stupidity Fries
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-30
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-02-08 22:16:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12874170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunsandPoses/pseuds/HelpIveMcFallen
Summary: Just the cracky talk between people from different nations.





	1. Delete History?

**Author's Note:**

> I am sorry.

Typing in his password, Alfred scrolled through the various chats. Choosing the third one (Hetalia) he saw, he typed in his first message. And waited patiently for an answer.

_You have entered the chat "Hetalia". Type your first message!_

**The Hero:** Yo, is anyone even in this chat?

 **Gentleman:** Yes, you dolt.

 **Pasta!:** That's rude, stop it!

 **Gentleman:** It's a chat, what do you expect? Of course, there are people.

 **Order** : Doesn't mean you have to be rude. I agree with Pasta!.

 **Panda** : Calm yourself, Order, doesn't mean you need to go ballistic.

 **Sunflower:** I agree with everyone but Gentleman.

 **Order:** I regret my entire existence.

 **Gentleman:** Join the club.

 **Tomato:** Stop wasting my battery, you bastards!

 **The Hero:** Y did I join this again?

 **Gentleman:** Because you're an idiot.

 **Sunflower:** Leave 'The Hero' alone. Just because he joined the most terrible chat doesn't mean he's an idiot.

 **Panda:** And by that logic, Gentleman, you are also an idiot. You joined the chat too.

 **The Hero:** Ha!

 **Gentleman:** Twats.

 **Pasta!:** ORDER! GENTLEMAN INSULTED ME!

 **Panda:** Calm yourselves.

 **Maple:** guys, please.

 **Bear:** Who are you?

 **Maple:** I'm Maple.

 **Order:** EVERYONE SHUT UP!

 **Gentleman:** You are all twats, I'm signing off.

 **Pasta!:** But Gentleman, don't you want PASTA?

 **Sunflower:** о Боже мой

 **Gentleman:** No, of course not.

 **Maple:** God, save us all.

 **The Hero:** what?

 **Prussian Dude:** The awesome me is here! What did I miss?

Alfred sat back in his chair and spun around for a moment. Turning back to the computer, he blinked as a thousand messages flicked across the screen from the 'Pasta!' person.

 **Pasta!:** WHY DON'T YOU LIKE PASTA? PASTA IS THE BEST THING EVER, WHY DON'T YOU LIKE IT?

 **Pasta!:** ORDER! WHY DOESN'T GENTLEMAN LIKE PASTA?

 **Pasta!:** BUT PASTA IS SO GOOD WHY DON'T YOU LIKE PASTA?

The messages continued on, and Alfred scrolled to the bottom of the page. Sunflower, whoever he was, had interjected.

 **Sunflower:** Pasta!, calm down. Gentleman's just a jerk.

 **Gentleman:** HEY

 **Order:** Why on earth are you all like this?

 **Prussian Dude:** Because! And I am awesome!

 **Panda:** Hey, 'The Hero', want to know how to annoy Gentleman?

 **The Hero:** YES

 **Panda:** Just horribly misspell things and use the wrong "there" and "your".

 **Gentleman:** NO

 **The Hero:** Well, if u insist.

 **Gentleman:** Oh dear god

 **The Hero:** It's been Amazon to meet Y'all. Except for ya, Gentleman, your a jerk.

 **Sunflower:** Are you American? That looks American.

 **The Hero:** You bet I am! Best country in the world.

 **Gentleman:** I beg to differ.

 **The Hero:** Damn, you into DDLG or something?

 **Pasta!:** what is DDLG

 **The Hero:** You really don't know?

 **Order:**  Do not tell him.

 **Sunflower:** Definitely tell him.

 **Gentleman:** NO, he is too pure.

 **The Hero** : DDLG is "daddy dom/little girl"

 **Pasta!:** Like a girl and her dad?

 **The Hero:** Well, not exactly...

 **Gentleman:** Pasta!, it's a kink.

 **Pasta!:** Oh. Like how Order likes BDSM?

Alfred reached for the can of soda he kept by his desk and dropped it as he read the latest message. Americat, who was purring by his feet, hissed as the soda sprayed over his back, staining it Fanta-orange. He hastily typed a response.

 **The Hero:** DUDE. TMI.

 **Order:** I want to delete myself.

 **Panda:** How do you delete someone else's messages?

 **Gentleman:** I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL HIM, OH MY GOD.

 **The Hero:** Shut up, I dropped my soda on Americaamlkhdsfcdvayat-

 **Sunflower:**  We're speaking English here, right?

Alfred was too busy to formulate an answer. Americat, in a vengeful mood, was currently clawing his way up his leg. The most painful thing was that Americat insisted on jumping on each claw upwards, digging in. Alfred yelped. Americat finished by leaping onto his lap and doing 'happy claws' with gusto. After a few minutes, the devil of a cat jumped off and left the room, tail high and face smug.

 **The Hero:** I dropped my soda on Americat and he clawed his way up my leg.

 **Order:** Consider it endurance training.

 **Tomato:** We can't all be hardcore and into BDSM, potato bastard!

Alfred pulled up his pant leg and looked at the damage Americat had done. Twelve punctures dripped blood down, staining his formerly perfectly white sock. He groaned in pain and irritation. He had spent thirty minutes on cleaning out the last bloodstain, dammit!

 **Prussian Dude** **:** Calm yourself, Tomato, it's only a chat of the awesome me's.

 **Gentleman:** I swear to god

 **Maple:** Guys, calm down...

 **Gentleman:** Tha mi airson bàsachadh

 **The Hero:** what

 **Sunflower:** Stop speaking Gaelic, we're not all Scottish

 **The Hero:** Garlic isn't a language

 **Gentleman:** _GAELIC_ , you ignorant twat

 **The Hero:** You really should work on your insults.

 **Sunflower:** How did he make it italicized?

 **Gentleman:** I'm special.

 **The Hero:** yeah, special ed. *snorts*

 **Sunflower** **:** Why the asterisks?

 **The Hero:** you use them to say you're doing something. Sorry, your.

 **Sunflower:** I see. *flips you all off through the screen*

 **The Hero:** There you go! *returns the favor*

 **Panda:** This isn't a roleplay site.

 **The Hero** **:** For some it is. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Sunflower:** What is that face? How did you make that face?

 **The Hero:** Internet secret.

 **Gentleman:** Is no one going to comment on his innuendo?

 **Order:** We all noticed it, just decided not to answer.

 **The Hero:** *waggles eyebrows*

Alfred checked out the other chatters. Then he severely regretted his choice, as Pasta!, whoever he was, had somehow put a lot of BDSM images on his page.

Alfred sighed. He really needed to clear his history.


	2. Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Fur

Arthur sipped his tea and logged on to his account. The familiar noise of the text appearing was interesting. Humming as he petted his cat, Gladiator, (named after the Sea Gladiator fighter jet), he watched as new messages appeared on the screen.

The idiotic messengers were going at it again.

 **The Hero:** You know what I don't get? Why my cat is such a jerk.

 **Sunflower:** You have a cat, too?

 **The Hero:** Yeah, his name's Americat. Who's yours?

 **Sunflower:**  подсолнух

 **The Hero:** What does that mean?

 **Sunflower:** Sunflower.

 **The Hero:** Oh, that's cute. Do any of you guys have cats?

 **Pasta!:** I have one! His name is Pasta!

Arthur decided it was time to send a message. Gladiator purred by his feet and jumped up to sip at the bowl of tea Arthur always left for him.

 **Gentleman:** I have a Scottish Fold named Gladiator.

 **The Hero:** Gladiator?

 **Gentleman:** He's named after a British fighter plane from World War 2, the Gloster/Sea Gladiator.

 **The Hero:**  That's cool! Order, do u have a cat?

 **Order:** No, I have a dog. Berlitz.

 **Sunflower:** That's nice. What breed is he?

 **Order:** German Shepard.

 **The Hero:** Does anyone else have cats? Or pets.

 **Maple:** I have a polar bear that hangs around.

 **The Hero:** Dude, you are so Canadian.

 **Prussian Dude:** I have a bird.

Arthur's laptop chimed.

_Prussian Dude sent an image._

It was a small puffball of a bird, whatever it was. With its fluffy yellow feathers and tiny wings, it was adorable, he had to admit. Gladiator meowed and pawed at the screen. The bird seemed to cheep as the photo showed it with its beak open and eyes wide.

 **Prussian Dude:** That's Gilbird.

 **Pasta!:** He's so cute!

 **Sunflower:** Stop riling up подсолнух.

 **The Hero:** He's so PRECIOUS.

 **Gentleman:** I will admit he's adorable.

 **Prussian Dude:** Gilbird says thanks.

 **The Hero:** He's SO welcome.

 **Maple:** That's so sweet.

_Order sent an image._

The picture was a dog, a German Shepard to be precise. It sat cheerfully on a wooden porch, front legs splayed out and mouth panting. The tongue lolled out and its ears were up alertly. It was somehow scary and sweet at the same time.

 **The Hero:** aaw

 **Order:** Do not 'aaw' him! He is a force to be feared!

 **The Hero:** Pfft, as if. He's not Luci, he's at most a crossroads demon.

 **Order:** ARE THOSE GOOD THINGS TO BE?

 **The Hero:** Eh.

_The Hero sent an image._

Arthur sighed and opened it. It was a cat. A large cat at that, with a thick brown scruff on its neck and odd markings on its face like glasses. It dwarfed the arms holding it up, its tongue hanging out of its mouth in a 'blep' expression.

 **Pasta!:** So cute!

 **The Hero:** That's Americat. He left some scratches and is super heavy, but's he's cool.

 **Gentleman:** What breed is he?

 **The Hero:** No idea, he just appeared in our doorway one day. He's super sweet and friendly but is also loud sometimes. Gentleman, what's your cat?

Arthur rolled his eyes and looked through the folder of pictures he had of Gladiator. Selecting one with the cat loafing at the floor near a cup of tea, he sent it to the group. Gladiator meowed when his image appeared on-screen.

 **The Hero:** He's pretty stuffy looking!

 **Gentleman:** He is not!

 **Pasta!:** He looks like he is an old man!

Arthur rolled his eyes. They had no taste.


	3. Pronounce and Denounce, Bitches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pronunciation.

Ivan sat back in his seat and sipped. Sunflower twisted around his ankles. 

**The Hero:** I'm just saying y'all'sh'd've

**Gentleman:** what

**Maple:** Translation: You all should have

**Sunflower:** I am confusion

**The Hero:** You meme????

**Gentleman:** I have a question for you all. How is caramel pronounced?

**The Hero:** Like car-mel obviously. 

**Maple:** care-uh-mel

**The Hero:** BURN

**Gentleman:** I hate to say it, but I agree with Hero

**The Hero:** What about crayon?

**Gentleman:** cr-ae-on

**The Hero:** Huh, I pronounce it like 'crown'.

**Prussian Dude:** BiTcH

**The Hero:** The Crayon Jewels of the British Monarchy are famous. 

**Gentleman:** DID YOU JUST INSULT MY COUNTRY YOU SWINE?!

**Maple:** oh no

**The Hero:** What

**Order:** Everyone CaLm DoWn

**Gentleman:** nO he insulted the queen and country

**The Hero:** Bring it, leaf water!

**Gentleman:** That's it! 

**The Hero:** What are you gonna do about it? Throw a teapot at me?

**Gentleman:** no

**Gentleman:** I'm gonna eat pineapple pizza and talk about how good it is

**The Hero:** You wouldn't

**Gentleman:** The tartness of the pineapple adds an interesting complexity to the pizza, providing an interesting counterbalance to the otherwise savory food. 

**The Hero:** You bastard! I hope you run out of tea

The chat room became silent as everyone processed this new statement. Gentleman seemed to get into a state of shock, not replying for several moments. Sunflower meowed as Ivan stared at the screen, breathless. The Gentleman spoke. 

**Gentleman:** I hope you step on a Lego barefoot

Then chaos erupted again. Ivan inhaled. 

**Maple:** Hey, no reason to get so aggressive

**Gentleman:** The wanker insulted my country, my Queen, and my tea. 

Ivan stood up and walked to the hallway. He shouted down the stairs. "Natalya! I need your help!"

She raced up the stairs. "Yes?"

He stared at her solemnly. "I need an insult. A good one."

"What kind?" Thankfully, she didn't ask for what. 

"One to insult both a British man and an American." She thought about this for a moment, then replied. 

"What about.....You're so repulsive even Hagrid wouldn't like you? Or 'are you an elephant, because you are irrelephant'?"

"Excellent. Thank you." He walked back to his computer. The Hero and Gentleman were currently shouting insults at each other.

**Sunflower:** Shut up, both of you. Gentleman, you are so repulsive even Hagrid wouldn't like you. Hero, you are such an elephant. 

**The Hero:** Hey!

**Sunflower:** Because you are irrelevant.

Ivan smirked in satisfaction as everyone screamed. 


	4. Revolutionary War

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have never written such cringey-ness in my life. The definition of meme comes directly from Webster dictionary.   
> https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/meme
> 
> Also, weird malfunction so no bold. Enjoy, I guess.

Matthew logged into his computer with the sigh of a man sentenced to death row. There were several new messages from various members of the chatroom. 

The Hero: I have one question for the room: do y'all meme?

Sunflower: Yes. 

Gentleman: What is a meme?

Prussian Dude: OF COURSE, YOU IGNORTANT POTATO

Order: 1 : an idea, behavior, style, or usage that spreads from person to person within a culture  
Memes (discrete units of knowledge, gossip, jokes and so on) are to culture what genes are to life. Just as biological evolution is driven by the survival of the fittest genes in the gene pool, cultural evolution may be driven by the most successful memes. —Richard Dawkins  
2 : an amusing or interesting item (such as a captioned picture or video) or genre of items that is spread widely online especially through social media  
… the band encouraged fans to make memes to advertise the U.S. release of their EP … —William Gruger  
The grumpy cat meme frowned its way onto the Internet in September 2012 and never turned its dissatisfied head back. Since then, the image of the cranky cat has grown more and more popular in direct proportion to appearing less and less impressed by fame. —Anastasia Thrift  
— memetic play \mē-ˈme-tik, mə-\ adjective  
… the exhibition seeks to give a sense not only of Holmes's origins but of the real-world milieu in which Conan Doyle set him and of his memetic spread through the culture. —Sam Leith

The Hero: what

Gentleman: I assume we are talking about the second definition?

Order: Yes, I believe so. 

Sunflower: ha ha ha GTFO

The Hero: Alas, you are mistaken. That is a vine, Sunflower.

Sunflower: Same difference. 

Matthew choked on his pancake. Even he, the proverbial pure child, knew the difference. There was a storm rising. 

Prussian Dude: EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME?!

The Hero: YOU UNCULTURED SWINE, THEY ARE NOT THE SAME. VINES ARE SHORT VIDEOS. MEMES ARE IMAGES.

Gentleman: oh my god

Tomato: why the flippety fuck am I getting messages at two in the morning?!

The Hero: SHUT YOUR MOUTH TOMATO THERE IS A REAL PROBLEM HERE

Sunflower: For the record, I am not uncultured. I am eating yogurt. 

The Hero: I couldn't care less if you were eating brownies. You have mental deficiencies that need to be addressed.

Gentleman: Shocking, though you couldn't speak proper English.

The Hero: You neglected to have proper capitalization or pronunciation in your message before that. And I quote: 'oh my god'.

Prussian Dude: I can taste the pettiness. 

Gentleman: Oh, we're going to play that game, are we? 

The Hero: If assholes insist, then yes.

Gentleman: BRING IT ON, PATHETIC CITIZEN OF AMERICA. ENJOY YOUR CRUSHED BEANS IN WATER.

The Hero: YOU WANNA FUCKIN GO?? LET'S GO, WE BEAT YOUR LEAF ASS TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGO, WE'LL DO IT AGAIN.

Gentleman: ENJOY YOUR BURNT WHITE HOUSE

Matthew was slowly dying from laughter. 

The Hero: YOU WANNA BRING UP THAT SHIT? Who beat your redcoated ass twice? AMERICA, THAT'S FUCKING WHO. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE WORLD'S BEST ARMY, GUESS WHAT MOFOS, WE BEAT YA. 

Gentleman: GOD SAVE OUR NOBLE QUEEN

The Hero: OH SAY CAN YOU SEE, BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT

Gentleman: AT LEAST MY NATIONAL ANTHEM DOESN'T HAVE THE TUNE OF A DRINKING SONG

The Hero: BITCH, YOU'RE GOIN DOWN

The argument continued for a good thirty minutes, each side gaining followers until the entire chatroom was at odds against each other. At last, two insulting hours later, they both agreed to a treaty. Then The Hero decided to speak. 

The Hero: Butter is just food lotion. 

And they were off.


	5. Today on Shit-Posts

Alfred primed his shitposts. He was ready. It was time. With a flick of his fingers, he logged into the chatroom and prepared to drop the bomb. 

 **The Hero:** Water is not wet. Change my mind. 

 **Gentleman:** Why on earth are you like this? 

 **The Hero:** It's a challenge. I dare you to change my mind. 

 **Sunflower:** if you insist. 

 **Sunflower:** Since something that has been touched by a liquid could be considered wet depending on the level of contact, that gives a reasonable standard. Since water is constantly touching itself, it is reasonable to assume that water is wet. 

 **The Hero:** I have been convinced. 

 **The Hero:** Okay then. Anyone else want to add to the online discourse?

 **Order:** Bush did 9/11?

 **Gentleman:** Oh, that's a terrible theory. 

 **Order:** The moon landing was faked?

 **The Hero:** Pfft, you believe in the moon?

 **Maple:** Alright, hold your horses there bucko

Americat meowed. As the cat was so helpful in alerting him, as it was noon, FOOD TIME, and he liked a good schedule. Alfred took a moment to feed him and found Gentleman and some user named 'Butter Crisis' talking. 

 **Gentleman:** Ridiculous, isn't it? The Fair Folk are obviously real. 

 **Butter Crisis:** Of course. 

 **Sunflower:** Oh for the love of god, open up a private chat if you're going superstitious, Gentleman. 

 **Gentleman:** SUPERSTITIOUS? Believing in the Fae is NOT superstitious in the slightest. Sir Arthur Canon Doyle and Neil Gaiman believe in them. 

 **Sunflower:** Gaiman, while cool, is kind of cracked. 

 **Maple:** And people wonder why I'm constantly cursing this chat. 

 **The Hero:** Why do you keep coming, then?

 **Maple:** It's like watching a train wreck in progress. I can't look away. 

 **Order:** I can respect that.

Alfred was bored.  A kind of bored that just wriggled its way into his very bones as the conversation dragged. Maple and Order were discussing the merits of throwing their computers into a ditch and Gentleman was arguing furiously with Sunflower over the existence of fairies. Nothing that would start a fire. Alfred switched to another tab, scrolling through Tumblr with the intention of finding something incendiary. 

He gasped. He had found the one! The perfect one, made to light a bonfire that would consume the entire chatroom. God, Alfred needed to get out more.

 **The Hero:** Bricks are domesticated rocks. 

 **Sunflower:** Erm.

 **Gentleman:** Oh sweet baby Jesus. 

 **Maple:** what the mc-hades is going on here???

 **Order:** Are you prepared to toss your laptop into the sun?

 **Sunflower:** Can I have a part of that? I cannot believe I had to witness that with my own two innocent eyes.

_Sunflower has left the chat._

What was this? Alfred knew when someone left the chat? He looked through the notifications on the chat. Aside from several people chatting him for  _favors_ , the site had told him that you would be notified when someone exited the chat. 

_Maple has left the chat._

_Order has left the chat._

_Gentleman has left the chat._

_Butter Crisis has left the chat._

**The Hero:** hmm

 **The Hero:** United States, Canada, Mexico, Panama

 **Tomato:** Don't even fucking think about it

Alfred sighed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed this. Butter Crisis is Norway, if case you don't know. Also, Russians are a really superstitious people themselves, which I find hilarious. However, I found nothing on believing in fairies, so Ivan calling Artie so is mostly to annoy him. 
> 
> Some interesting Russian superstitions: 
> 
> -If you get the hiccups, someone's thinking of you. (I find this one hysterical because I get hiccups at least thirty times a month.) Anyway, you can start saying people's names and if your hiccups stop at a particular name, you know who was thinking about you.  
> -If your ears are hot, that means someone's talking shit about you. (Again, this happens frequently with me.)  
> -No whistling indoors.  
> -Don't open an umbrella inside unless you want bad luck.  
> -An unmarried girl shouldn't sit at the corner of a table because she'll be single for the next seven years.  
> -A young woman should not sit on a cold surface, it will make her infertile. (I think this one's great because I sit on cold surfaces constantly. Also- is this like that thing that says a man shouldn't have a laptop in his lap because the heat will make him go sterile?)


End file.
